My eyes are swollen from crying. The past 30 minutes have been so full of such strong emotions- anger and rage, sadness and fear, helplessness, wanting to give up and digging deep to find the strength not to. I’m trying to figure out what the universe has in store for me, what is my life’s plan, why is the happening to me and what lessons am I supposed to learn from this.
As I sit here typing this, it’s difficult to focus on the monitor, I feel nauseous and every time I turn or tilt my head I think I’m going to vomit. I’m not sick though, I have BPPV (benign proximal positional vertigo).
In a nutshell, BPPV is an inner ear disorder where the calcium crystals that communicate the balance signals to your brain get misplaced and migrate to another part of your ear which sends your brain the wrong signals about where your body is in relation to the earth. The main symptom of BPPV is extreme dizziness! Not just a simple dizzy like when your blood pressure is low and you stand up to quickly or you’ve had too much to drink and get the bed spins, this is tilt-a-whirl-on-crack kind of spinning sensation.
Luckily there is a series of head maneuvers that can move the crystals back into position. Once you learn the maneuvers you can perform them at home with the help of someone. You wouldn’t want to perform these alone as the vertigo sensations are induced during the procedure making you incredibly dizzy! The procedure works most of the time, but when the vertigo is really bad sometimes it takes a few tries.
It really seems so simple when it’s on paper and I feel like I shouldn’t be complaining. I mean, it’s not life threatening and there is a “cure”. But in my reality BPPV sucks big time! And the worst part of it is that I have no control over it!! I never know when it will happen. There is no preventative things than can be done. It’s really just luck (or unluck!) of the draw.
As if the episodes themselves aren’t bad enough, the time spent in between them are almost worse. I live in constant fear of it happening again. Knowing that at any moment it could happen with just a simple change in head position. Sadly I have become accustomed to sleeping in rigid, upright positions and had to give up doing the yoga that I love so dearly. My body is suffering along with my mind.
I feel traumatized.
It’s been about 8 or 9 weeks now since I had the last episode of BPPV and today started out as a pretty normal day. It’s my day off of work and as I was trying to nap, about 30 minutes after I feel asleep I was awaken by horrible spinning sensations. So here I go again, it’s back. I’m home alone and have things to do. I’m so dizzy that I can’t move for fear of falling down the stairs which means I can’t let my dogs out or get a bite to eat. I’m stuck here until someone gets home and helps me. If I need to go to the bathroom I will have to crawl!
All of my plans are now on hold. I feel helpless, dizzy and very frustrated. My world feels like its upside down, and I am beginning to wonder how the rest of my life is going to unfold if I have to deal with this forever. Some people say they have had vertigo once or twice in the past and it’s been gone for years, some people say they have episodes every couple of months.
So I am left wondering – How am I to work? How can I finish school? How do I complete simple, daily tasks?
As I sit here writing, I had a realization- I like to have control over things.
In my effort to have total control, life has thrown me a curve ball and given me something that I cannot control, and that is vertigo. Perhaps that is the lesson here?
Maybe life is saying, “Let go and go with the flow”.
Or perhaps it’s just life’s way of saying, “Slow the “F” down. If you aren’t going to do it on your own, I will make you!”
Either way, I am listening for the message, I mean, I have to believe something good will come of this. Right?